Struggling along,

Hello Blogworld,

It’s been a while since I last posted, but this time I have an excuse. So its been a couple weeks since my brother-in-law passed away, and though life has been continuing on, it certainly has not been normal.

We found out from the autopsy that he had an enlarged heart. Unless he had done a stress test two days before, it would not have been found. Basically, his heart was working too heard, and compensating without giving any symptoms. It finally reached the point where his heart simply stopped. There was no heart-attack, nothing. He was gone before he even hit the ground and there was nothing that anyone could have done.

The funeral and the days preceding were pretty rough, but the friends and family all banded together pretty tightly right away, so that did help. It has been heartbreaking though. His eldest, who is only a month older than mine, came to me a couple days after he died and asked, “Uncle, can you Daddy things with us sometimes? My daddy isn’t coming back, and we are going to need helps sometimes.” Can you imagine hearing that from a 6 year-old who just lost her father? It was crushing.

Everyone is doing okay, but not great. My father-in-law has had to see the doctor, and I have found myself not sleeping well, not eating well, and occasionally having anxiety attacks. I’m a little surprised, I mean, its not the first time I have been around death or had a loved one pass. I have faced my own mortality before, having been shot at, almost blown-up, and been to countless funerals, but for some reason this is hitting me really hard.

I’m sure a lot of has to do with the closeness of all of it. That could just as easily have been me, and the thought of leaving my family so suddenly is horrific. There was so much that he didn’t get to finish, or teach his girls, - and the thought of my family going through the grief, the sadness, the fear, and fundamental loss and disruption of life that everyone is going through, is truly frightening. As you can see, I’m struggling.

To top things off, I didn’t get the job. I was one of two final candidates, and the only reason I lost out was that I don’t have as much specific experience facilitating workshops, even though a big part of my current job is informal hosting tours, lectures, presentations, and workshops. I really wanted that job, so I’m pissed. I am completely burnt out of the one I have, and I really needed a change. The family could have really used a break for a change, but it just wasn’t in the cards.

So that’s Dirks life as of late – not very fun. Sorry to depress anyone who may have stumbled here, you kinda caught me at a rough spot.

Having been a regular reader of a few people’s blogs, I have had a little inspiration by my friend Lingo Slinger, so will soon post a bit of writing. Once we returned from our travels, Fred and I wrote a book, and a novella, all very loosely based on things we saw and did. It’s been a few years since we have even looked at them, but recent events had me dig them out – and I still think they are pretty good. I’ll post an excerpt soon.

Thanks to all those who took the time to send their thoughts to me over the last couple of weeks, it was truly appreciated.

You stay classy Blogworld,

Until next time,
Dirk