Like sand in the hourglass,

Ah Crap. Today, I am 35 years old. And I don’t like it. I think it was Grampa Simpson who once said:

I used to be with it; but then they changed with it was.
Now what I’m with, isn’t it.
And what it, is weird and scary to me.

Birthdays never used to bother me, they were always a great excuse to party with friends and be allowed to get away with way more than normal. But those were the days of my youth, and they have passed. For some reason, this one is getting to me a little more.

For one, I am far more aware of my own mortality than ever before. I thinks it’s because of the kids. As soon as they came along, I stopped worrying about me, and my life’s meaning sort of changed to them. It still does, but I recognize that they need their dad around for a long time, and sometimes lately I worry about what would happen if I were gone. It breaks my heart. It’s a little funny that I would be concerned now, and not when I was actually faced with my mortality, such as when: I was shot at, witnessed a suicide bombing, was slashed, beaten, or the pounds of drugs.

Some of this started last week, when Youngest watched the movie Lion King, a movie he has seen about a hundred times. But it was been a while since he last saw it, and this time, when the Dad died, Youngest lost it. He just ran to his Mom crying his eyes out. As Mom tried to figure out what was wrong (Youngest doesn’t like attention, so often clams up) he talked about the movie making him sad. Fair enough, he’s little. But while he was upset, he also said “I don’t want Daddy to die, I don’t want him to leave me”. Totally heartbreaking.

So that’s part of it, but that’s not all. I know I need to make some changes, and now is the time that I have to do them. They were always further down the road, something to do when I was older, but that day is here.

So yes, I have tried again to quit smoking, and this time seems to be working. I feel gross, I want one real bad, but I have consciously worked through those cravings, because its something I just need to do. I’m eating healthier, and really trying to. Next month, I’ll even be joining the “Y”. My wife can’t wait. She works out almost everyday, and is pretty much a vegetarian.

It’s sort of dawned on me that if I want to stick around, and have fun with my wife and my kids, and just for myself, I need to make some changes. There is no more time to wait, the time is now, so I might as well get to it.

So that’s it for today people, that’s enough of a glance into my mind. This is not the long post I mentioned would be up soon. I’m second-guessing myself on that one. Like maybe it’s a little too personal. See what I mean about age? Now I’m censoring myself. The younger me would have instinctively followed that all-important rule when writing: Be Unmerciful.

Ah Crap.

You stay classy blogworld.

Until next time,
Dirk